


Alternate

by Valgus



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Don't even look at me..., Drabble, Drama, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Songfic, This is NOT a happy MakoHaru.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 14:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5131754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valgus/pseuds/Valgus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I’ve grown so used to pretending</i><br/><i>Not to notice that I can’t even hear</i><br/><i>The sound of my own heart breaking.</i><br/><br/>Haru can only be with Makoto, but Makoto can be with anyone.<br/><br/>All grown up, Makoto and Haru shared a house in Tokyo as Makoto fell in love with a colleague and Haru could only watch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternate

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic of a song with the same title by keeno featuring (Dark) Hatsune Miku. I recommend listening to it as you read this piece to experience things better. (It's a really good song as well!) [ Click here to listen the song and its English subtitle in YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvZRHNFSpg0).

_I’ve grown so used to pretending_  
_Not to notice that I can’t even hear_  
_The sound of my own heart breaking._

* * *

 

**A L T E R N A T E**

 

* * *

 _Fooling myself that we are together,_  
_And with a strained smile on my face,_  
_I try to find that one special place for me beside you,_  
_And yet…_

Sometime in the middle of the second year at university, Haru and Makoto started to live together. The idea just popped up out of nowhere one day when Makoto stayed over at Haru’s since the last train had left and it was cold outside.

With his back towards Makoto, Haru mumbled, “Why don’t you just live with me, then, Makoto? That way, you don’t have to visit me every morning to pull me out of the bath tub.”

Haru couldn’t see Makoto’s face, but he could hear his little chuckle. Haru could smile knowing that Makoto couldn’t see his smiling face. Even with no visual, Makoto’s voice alone let Haru knew what kind of face Makoto put.

“Well,” Makoto sighed, “It can’t be helped, then.”

Haru felt like he just won a lottery.

They chose a place together just a little outside town. Since they lived together, Haru felt like everything surely would be alright, even though he would lose everything from swimming to future. It was a strange feeling to have, Haru thought, because now he already had the dream he wanted to achieve. Haru didn’t know why he thought that way until he saw Makoto on one of his training session. He must be come immediately after his lecture was over to see Haru.

Makoto smiled to Haru from across the pool and Haru finally realised what was more important to him than swimming—that he had bigger dream than to compete internationally.

 _Your heart is so unreadable to me,_  
_I had to fumble my way through,_  
_That’s how I found an image of someone smiling in your heart._

As Haru expected, Makoto was awfully popular in his university and also part-time job in local swimming pool. He often went home late from date group and he would go on talking about all the people he met that day as they had dinner and clean the place up before bed time. Haru was happy just to listen to Makoto talk about his day, though he couldn’t help but to wish that he were there as well, enjoying normal university life with Makoto.

Entering their third year in university, Haru started to notice a pattern in Makoto’s story-of-his-day. Beside some friends in the same class and some others in his part-time job, Makoto kept mention a certain female colleague. Haru didn’t remember her name until a while, but he already knew that she was the daughter of one of Makoto’s lecture and that her mother was once a national swimmer who won medal for Japan. Makoto talked about how he would like to have Haru meet her, so Haru could have a listen on being national swimmer, though from woman side.

Haru just nodded and Makoto seemed to be satisfied with that. Haru looked up from his bowl of rice—they were having grilled mackerel with salt for dinner—and watched how _that_ smile was still lingering on Makoto’s face long after she finished talking about that female colleague.

 _Tell me,_  
_You’re desperately in love with her, aren’t you?_  
_To the point that you can’t even see my tears._  
_Is it because you can’t get her to notice you,_  
_Even when you’re madly crying out for her_  
_That you settled for me?_  
_That’s not fair._  
_Casting my eyes on the ground,_  
_All I can do is to follow behind you,_  
_Trying to keep up with your pace._

At the end of dinner, when Haru helped Makoto washing the dishes, Haru wiped a bowl with tea towel quickly as he mumbled, “Makoto, do you have crush at Swimmer’s Daughter-san?”

Makoto made mixture of confused and surprised noise. Haru raised his face to see Makoto’s flustered face and Haru wanted to laugh so much.

 _I can’t let you go._  
_And so I bring myself closer._  
_I just want to be able to feel the sound of your heart beating,_  
_But you’re so far away._  
_How much more tightly must I hold you close to me?_

Makoto sighed, “It’s not like that, Haru-chan.”

Haru didn’t think that Makoto fooled anyone. Placing the bowl to the rack by the sink, Haru mumbled again, “Just tell me if you were bringing her home, so I can stay outside as long as possible.”

Makoto made an “Eeeeh…” sound and Haru left the room after bidding Makoto good night.

 _I didn’t mean to,_  
_But my voice couldn’t help slipping out,_  
_Trembling a little._  
_It was just that it hurt so much inside my heart._  
_At least the heat from your body is still mine and mine alone,_  
_Right?_

Just fifteen minutes after Haru settled into his bed, he woke up with cold sweat and raging heartbeat. He knocked Makoto’s bedroom door and walked inside to lie on Makoto’s bed.

“Haru, you know that my bed is not big enough for both of us,” Makoto sighed. “We’re not ten anymore.”

Haru said nothing.

“Ah, all right then,” Makoto sighed again, before closing his bedroom door behind him and lied next to Haru.

They stayed in silence for a while.

“Hey, Haru?” called Makoto. Haru shut his eyes tighter. He could feel Makoto’s voice all the way to his toes because they were squeezed together in one small bed.

Haru said nothing in reply, but apparently Makoto could tell that Haru wasn’t asleep.

“Tomorrow, I’m going to meet her,” Makoto said.

“Suit yourself,” Haru said before he could stop himself.

 _Tomorrow is still hidden by the deepening night,_  
_I hope it’ll stay that way for just a while longer._

The next morning, Haru saw Makoto put on his best shirt and his newest pair of jeans before leaving.

“Well then, I’m leaving, Haru,” Makoto told Haru after he wore his shiniest shoes.

Haru smiled at Makoto, “Have fun.”

 _You know,_  
_I’m so desperately in love with you_  
_That I can even hide my tears behind a smile._  
_It’s so excruciating that I’m sure I will eventually break down_  
_But even so, I don’t regret anything,_  
_Because I’m in love._

Late that night, Makoto returned just a couple minutes before midnight. Haru waited by the dining table and offered Makoto dinner. Makoto shook his head and told Haru he already had dinner with the Swimmer’s Daughter-san.

Makoto’s face was red, perhaps from cold, perhaps from alcohol. Haru couldn’t tell. But perhaps from neither, because Makoto was smiling a smile Haru never saw before.

That night, Haru slept on Makoto’s bed again, much to Makoto’s pout.

 _I can still feel your breath and body right here,_  
_Threatening to burst out of me._  
_I’m crying out again and again, like I’m possessed,_  
_Yet I still can’t get you to notice me._

“Haru?” called Makoto.

Haru said nothing. He only breathed.

“Haru, what if…” Makoto gulped and shuffled on his back. “… What if she didn’t like me?”

Haru’s breath stopped for a while. Eventually, he managed to say, “Don’t worry. We can go out and get drunk together so you can forget her and move on.”

 _But I’m right here._  
_I’m right here next to you._

Makoto chuckled, “Haru-chan, I love you the most.”

Haru only huffed in return.

Makoto fell asleep not long after, Haru could hear from the way he breathed, because once again he had his back on Makoto. But Haru didn’t sleep until at least three hours later.

Perhaps one day Makoto would marry Swimmer’s Daughter-san and Haru would be left behind. But when Haru thought about it, it wasn’t so bad. At least Haru would be Makoto’s housemate until that time arrived. By then, Haru would come to Makoto’s wedding, anyway. He would be the so-called Uncle Haruka for Makoto’s children.

It was okay. It would be okay. It would always be.

_I’m right here next to you._

_And here I will be, until the day you let go of my hand_.

**Author's Note:**

> I love angst. I love making Haru feels extreme emotion behind his cool and calm mask of adorable face.
> 
> (Please forgive me. I will atone my sins by writing fluffy fluff fluff MakoHaru in the future.)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
